Employ of Cerberus
by Kenshin Akagi
Summary: Welp, this sucks. I just try to get high when watching Space Dandy, and then I end up in the Mass Effect World. At least I still got some weed. SELF INSERT.
1. Chapter 1

"AW YEAH NYEWGA!"

I rose my fist in the air, simultaneously performing pelvic thrusts as I threw the Xbox controller on the bed. The tv screen changed back to the Multiplayer menu for Black Ops 2, and I flipped off my friends.

"Jesus, James, you're so goddamn annoying." Michael muttered, passing the controller I had thrown to Lopac. Michael was a pretty short Filipino guy, tad annoying. He was, however, the richest of the three of us and the only one with an Xbox, so sacrifices _must be made_.

Lopac nodded in agreement, pushing his glasses back on as he and Michael started another round. Lopac was tall and skinny. Probably had a shitload of allergies, or he was Vegan, or something. I don't really pay attention. I know he's Buddhist though, so I guess that's interesting.

I guess I should talk about me next, right? After all, I'm the main character _and _the author, so I'm instantly 300% more important than any of the fags you'll meet. K, I'm James Franklin. Yes, like Ben Franklin. Anyway, I got some really long ass brown hair, I usually tie it in a ponytail. I'm not fat, I'm big-boned, and I'm around six feet. I'm white, pimply face, but extraordinarily handsome. All the girls at my school wish they could bang me but, sadly, they're with total douchebags.

I scoffed, swinging the few strands of hair that had escaped my ponytail back. "You're just jealous that I kicked your asses again." I flipped them off again, before leaning back on Michaels huge ass bed. Why a guy who's barely five feet has a bloody king size, I'll never know. We played a few more rounds after that, until Lopac looked at the time.

"Shit. I gotta go, or my mom will be pissed. Same time next week?" Me and Michael nodded, and Lopac grabbed his bag and left. I stood up too, pocketing my phone and five bucks I had found on the ground. "I gotta head out too, shorty."

Michael nodded, not even looking away from his computer as he looked at pictures of lolis. "See ya, fatman."

I grinned and headed out, waving to Michael's parents on my way out. It took me thirty minutes to get back to my house, and when I entered it was to the sight of my dogs running around a shit covered floor.

"Goddamnit, Tulio, Ladybird..." I muttered, cleaning the poop up with a 7-eleven bag. My dogs looked at me expectantly, and I waved them off. "GTFO. Toonami's almost on." My dogs whined, so I put some food and bacon in their dog bowls.

As my dogs began fighting each other over the food, I reached my hand into my elementary school coat pocket and brought out a good old bag of Marijuana. I had got it a year back, when I was a Freshman, and I took a drag every now and than. Thank you Kaylie.

As I stuck the whole bag in my joint, I brought out a 2 liter of Mountain Dew. I looked at the clock, waiting for Toonami to start. Seeing as I had five minutes, I smirked and turned my laptop on. "Looks like I got time for a Fap...lets see...oh, I got an Email! I feel loved!" I opened up the email from my pal Stoney, and it had a _very _nice pic in it.

I read the email, sent a quick message thanking Stoney for the fap material, and fapped away. From my knowledge, it was the blue chick from Mass Effect. Whatever, I'm a simple man. I see boobs I fap.

Five minutes later I sat back down, taking a drag from my joint and a huge gulp of Mountain Dew. I grinned as Space Dandy came on. "Fuck Yeah!" I exclaimed, laughing at the humor in it. I was luckily so blazed that I tuned out of the Bleach filler, and most of the pointless scenes' of Shippuden. I came back sometime around Fullmetal Alchemist, but I took another huge ass puff.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! My head was feeling really light, and I started vomiting everywhere. As I fell off the couch, I felt the faint sensation of hitting my head against the coffee table, than...nothing.

* * *

I held my head as I woke up again, seeing a bunch of bright lights. I hissed in pain. I don't remember drinking beer, but I felt like I was having a _major _hangover. I could feel my pulse quickening as the weed began wearing off, and I started looking around carefully. I still had my laptop strapped to my back, half a pound of weed in my pocket, a few painkillers, and 25 dollars. I walked out of the alleyway, looking carefully at my surroundings.

I finally realized I was in some kind of mall. As I looked at the people walking by, I could feel my heart plummet and bile rise in my throat. Guess I don't have to fap to pictures of Asari anymore...

Especially now that there are some _right in front of me._ Somehow, and I have _no _idea how, I had ended up in the Mass Effect world.

Eh. At least I still got some weed.

_**AN: Yep. My try at a Self Insert in the Mass Effect world. Will I join Shepard's crew? Probably not. This takes place roughly two years before ME1.**_

_**KenshinAkagi...signing off.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh _everloving sweet Mary of shit._

I looked around the area I had arrived in, seemingly being ignored by everyone around me. Whatever. They don't want to gaze upon my...shit, I can't think of anything!

My head was beginning to clear, and the implications of what just happened just hit me like the police officer after I steal his badge for like, a day or two. I was stuck in another world...seemingly resembling the world of a video game I occasionally played. All I had on me was 25 normal dollars, a laptop with a full battery, some painkillers, and half a pound of good old cannabis.

I closed my eyes, trying to think of what to do. So far I had no idea how I got here; was it Space Dandy? No...maybe? Or was it the weed? It _was _a year old...nah, no way a trip could be _this _surreal...

Now...I don't know how to get back, obviously, but I could do some stuff down in this world. Hmm...build a Harem? Definitely. I'll get freaky with all loads of chicks. Fight the Reapers? Save the World with my knowledge of the future?

Nah, fuck that. Time to build a Harem.

I get off of the wall I was leaning on, keeping a careful eye on everyone. A lot of people are staring at me, probably wondering why such a handsome piece of ass was walking with the peasants on the Citadel. I shrug off their obvious signs of attraction, reaching my destination.

Purgatory Bar and...oh. I thought it was a bar and grill.

Carefully maneuvering my neckbeard into that of a manly-mans, I strut up straight to the entrance, only to feel a Turian place it's claw...hand...thing. Yeah, it's claw hand thing on my shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going, kid? Where's your ID?" He asks me. I'm shocked for a few seconds that I managed to understand him, and that he somehow saw through my clever disguise. I coughed into my hand, and putting my deepest, charming voice. "I believe that Mr Jackson will provide the information you require." I say, handing him a twenty-dollar bill.

He looks me in the eye, sighs at his failed attempt to keep me from my destiny of horribly drunk women, and lets me pass him. I smirk as my superior plan succeeded, walking quickly past the men in the bar. Gazing around the room, I saw a few Asari, a couple of drunk chicks puking into a plant, and a Krogan speaking to an Asari, and a few more human chicks making out. Nice.

Wait...I look at the Krogan again, and I'm pretty sure I saw him before. Grunt? Wreave? No...That's right Wrex! He's pretty badass from what I remember, and I'm pretty sure he bangs all the bitches...now if I could convince him to train me, or at least let me ride his coat...armortails, than I'll get even more bitches than I could solo!

I strode forward confidently, positive he would say yes.

_**AN: Done.**_


End file.
